I am 27 years old, which means all my friends, family, and coworkers are tying the knot. They are also tying off the air to my oxygen and taking everything out of me weekend after weekend. This year (2011) I have been invited to 11 weddings.
1- Local San Diego wedding (“Bridesmaid”)
8- Colorado weddings (friends and best friend)
1- Chicago wedding (bf family)
1- Washington DC wedding (family)
In total I will be attending 4 of the 11 weddings yet I will be responsible for sending a gift to the weddings I won’t be attending and of course bringing a gift to the weddings I will be attending. It was very hard for me to say NO to some of the upcoming weddings I have been invited too but it is simply not feasible to attend them all. I had to make some executive social decisions on where to be and when.
I recently completed my bridesmaid duties last weekend. The grand total of being a bridesmaid was $1,220. Thankfully, this wedding was the wedding of the year and time was spent with some of my very best friends. I choose to look at this as a great memory rather than a painful investment.
Breakdown of being a bridesmaid (last weekend):
Engagement Party: $300
Bachelorette Party (Mammoth Snowboarding Trip): $400
Place Cards: $160
Card Box: $30
Make-up: $200 (I posed as a double make-up artist and bridesmaid)
Jewelry: $40
Shoes: $40
Wedding gift: $50
Beach BBQ Drinks: $50 (not including these in the total because I would have participated and drank anyways)
What I did not have to pay for: (thank the dear lord)
Pedicure/Manicure: $40
Dress: $50
Hair: $100
Food/ Alcohol: $100
Hotel @ the Bahia: $100
Make-up Application: $75 (I did it!)
Great time: Priceless $$ (Cheesy I know)
Obviously, not every bridesmaid is going to have the same responsibilities or have to pay the same amount but the conclusion of this list is: being a bridesmaid can be an investment. This is something that should be highly considered when you make that agreement with the bride.
Is it bad to ask ahead of time what the commitment will be? What is the proper etiquette when declining to be a bridesmaid?
Don’t get me wrong I would have never declined the opportunity to be a bridesmaid in the wedding I was in last weekend. BUT… what if all 11 weddings wanted to me to be a part of the bridal party. This would not be possible for me or my piggy bank.
Instructions on saying “No” politely…..
1.) Let the bride/groom know as soon as possible that you will not be a bridesmaid/groomsmen. The longer you wait, the tougher it is for the bride.( yes, the bride will suffer if a groomsmen backs out too) Don’t be the bridesmaid or groomsmen that backs out last minute after dresses and tux’s are already ordered.
2.) Thank the bride/groom for the lovely offer. Despite the fact that you don’t want to be one, it’s a big deal for the bride or groom to ask you to be apart of their big day. They only had a few spaces available and they chose you. Be flattered. Express your gratitude! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
3.) Be direct. Don’t beat around the bush when it comes to saying no. After you have thanked him/her for the offer, simply state that at this time in your life you will not be able to make the commitment.
4.) Give a simple reason why you have to decline. Explain that you aren’t financially in a position to afford it, or that you have too much on your plate already with your job, kids and other responsibilities. Is it lack of vacation time? can’t afford to travel back and forth? kiddo’s have too many events coming up? Maybe you have 11 weddings to attend?
5.) Stand your ground. The bride/groom will likely try to convince you to be in the bridal party. They may even offer to pay for some of your expenses or take on more responsibility. Don’t be that bridal party member. The bride and groom are already forking up enough money to put on this expensive show, don’t make them take care of you too. Explain you are not comfortable with them paying for your way in the wedding.
6.) Offer to help in some other way. Let the bride or groom know that you would still like to participate in the big day. You can pass out programs, be an usher, or even be a day of coordinator and make sure the flowers are delivered and the reception hall is set. There are many tasks that can be done!
7.) Follow up with the bride or groom regularly. They may be pissed that you declined. Especially if you are dealing with an emotional girl, she may even hold a grudge. Take your buddy out for a drink, go shopping with the bride. Find ways to let them know you care, affordable ways of course.
Remember with weddings comes babies, with babies comes housewarmings, with housewarmings comes kids birthdays. It’s a never ending investment. Don’t spread yourself too thin. There will always be weddings, baby showers, and bachelorette parties. The world will not end if you politely decline to an event. I buckled down and decided attending 4 of the 11 weddings was the best choice for me financially and socially. Don’t become the broke bridesmaid/groomsmen!
One Love,
Meg
06/29/2011
Ha..I just read this blog and since it’s about MY wedding, I GUESS I should respond
First of all, thanks for all your contributions. Of course they didn’t go unnoticed and as you mentioned, I tried to be the opposite of Bridezilla as possible by buying the dresses, hair, hair accessories, hotel stay for the night before, mani/pedis, and of course all the food/booze for the events leading up to and including the wedding. What is NOT correct is that I “wanted” an engagement party. I am a believer that you shouldn’t throw parties outside of your budget so I was very surprised that you guys were putting this together when I didn’t ask for it nor expected it. In addition, once I found out that you guys put in $$ and STILL had to charge everyone $25 to each person who came, it highly embarrassed me as I’m a believer that guests should never pay to come to a party. For this reason, I threw in $300 of my own $$ to get the cost down at least to $18. Since the wheels were in motion and the evite was out there already, it was too late to change it but I would have been happy with nothing more than a happy hour. Additionally, my only request for jewerly and shoes were that they were silver strappy shoes and silver jewelry of your choice so you could have saved there or done the “buy and return” trick with the jewerly. Also, I loved how the seating cards came out but I honestly thought you were going to do them in a DIY way that would be much more cost effective. I calculated this cost at $60 when I assigned it to you because that’s what I totaled it to be for how I would have done it if I were going to do it myself. In fact, I tried to assign each BM a project that would cost no more than $60 so it would be even for all of you. I felt bad after you ended up spending so much on them in the end and considered that our wedding gift…so just to let you know…I did not get the $50 gift you listed in your talley. I documented each gift, card, and effort put forth by everyone and didn’t see it. Not that you owe it because I didn’t expect it but just to let you know, it wasn’t received. Oh…but to add to your talley…you paid to tip the manicurist and hair stylist so that’s $25 to add. Anyway, I had so many visions on how I wanted the day and some had to be sacrificed for the sake of the budget but in the end, you will spend what it takes to make you and your guests happy. I could have saved $5K on the bar tab for the wedding and made it a cash bar for everyone but how would that have gone over with this group? I think most brides go into the planning process planning to save and then they just end up paying for the convenience of something or compromising with themselves to pay higher prices for something or someone they really want. Just wait…when that day comes…it will be a different story!
Just having this convo with the sidekick and I thought “I’ve read about this somewhere!”..
What was the $300 engagement party for? We’re wondering is it the general rule that the bride pays for the hens night or each invitee pays for themselves?
Bah, weddings!
Andrew Caldwell » I think that’s the problem, there are so many so called “rules” on who pays for what, then you have that couple that completely changes it up. I believe…. normally the brides family pays for the engagement party and wedding. The grooms family pays for the dress rehearsal and the honey moon. The bridal party takes care of the bachelorette/bachelor party and the shower. Sometimes you will see an aunt or grandma host the bridal shower. That is in my experience. But you are right. BAH….weddings.
In my situation the bride only had her mom who was paying for the entire wedding, and she wanted an engagement party so we hosted it. It was at a nice Spanish tapas style joint and the bridesmaids that did not have to fly in for it paid $300 each and the bridesmaids that flew in paid like $60. This included food and drinks for like 30ish people. Not too bad but still an expense.
Hi Meg,
I remember that time! I took my husband to six weddings before he proposed! LOL I can relate to the expense in standing for someone and I think it’s great that you’re writing about it and educating people!
The worst thing I remember is having to wear that dress that did nothing for me! I remember trying on the dress in the “wrong” color – a perfect apricot and discovering that color was amazing on me, unlike the baby blue dress I had to wear UHG!
I’m hoping you’re single Meg, so you can “get them all back”! LOL
Lori
Life, for instance » Ha! Ha! I have noticed that a lot of brides are picking a color and several styles. The bridesmaids get to pick the style that looks best on them. I think that is a better route to go, then the bridesmaid may actually wear the dress again. I think weddings can be great, but I also think that they can be stressful for everyone too. It’s learning about finding that happy medium. If I ever get married I hope that I can do it very affordable and blog about it too!
Sounds like a headache :/ i totally don’t like weddings. I’ve been a bridesmaid 4 times in my life. I’m not sure if I will ever be a bride.
Purple Panda » I am starting to think the same thing. Thanks for stopping by. I will have to pay a visit on over to your site.
I, like David, am not a fan of weddings. For many reasons, but I think some of the stuff that can seem excessive is a big part of it. As my brain shifts to really thinking about only what is really needed and letting that speak, I wonder if a chocolate fountain or 6 foot centerpieces are necessary (as I have seen at weddings). A high school friend recently shared on facebook pics and details from her wedding. It was on the beach with close friends and family. She wore a simple white sundress. Her soon to be husband wore khakis (rolled up), barefeet and a casual shirt. He gave her a single red rose. And that was it. Beautiful. The biggest thing in the space of the ceremony was their love.
I just wonder, now, how much of it is the expectation that we HAVE to have a wedding like that. Ya know, the whole life template thing. As girls, we grow up thinking this is how it has to be or should be. I think it is about doing it for the right reasons, I guess.
I know weddings mean a lot to people and believe me I have have my share of fun at weddings! When I got married there was a good share of fanfare. It didn’t work out…a fancy wedding does not guarantee success of the relationship.
Your advice about knowing your limits and saying no are great. My phrase to my daughter about being clear on what you can do and want to do and sticking to that is simply “advocate for yourself.” It is such an important lesson for a variety of reasons. It is crazy how the bills add up when you commit to something like this. And once you are in, you are in. Just think of all the traveling you could do with that money!!!!
And by the way, you look fabulous in the pics!!! :-)
Thank you! I agree 100%. We get caught up in the glamour and the ritz that we loose site of the most important part of the wedding and that is devoting yourself to your significant. I love the idea of a simple wedding where your closet friends are in attendance. I would much rather wake up the next morning knowing I am not in debt and still have an amzing memory to hold onto. Traveling or wedding? TRAVELING!! Thanks so much for the kind words Liane.
Hmmmm…I think that if I were David and I knew that weddings would provide me the opportunity to hang out with you in that red dress, I’d be attending or crashing a wedding every weekend! :-)
Ha! Ha! I will have to let him know. I think he just doesn’t want his date to be the one in white.
This is an interesting post because I totally forgot how much it would cost just to be a bridesmaid. But even $1000+ I think the memory is well worth it!
Yes, it was expensive and most are. There are the select few weddings where you walk away not spending an arm and a leg but they always are great memories and like I mentioned the wedding I was just in was amazing and we all had a great time. A memory we will never forget.
Such a tricky issue Meg-I had a closet full of bridesmaid dresses for many years. All dresses that I never would wear again. I ended up donating them so hopefully someone else can enjoy them. It is a pretty presumptuous assumption that we can all afford and want to afford to be in a wedding. Thanks for all the great tips on saying no. I have a hard time saying no in so many different areas of my life. Definitely a place that I need some serious work. Glad the wedding was fun. You look gorgeous
Thanks Lori! You are so sweet. What a great idea to donate your bridesmaid dresses. I too have several dresses that I will never wear again. I will add them to the donate pile. I am sure some girls could use them as prom dresses or something fun like that.
I am a total pushover. Trust me… I have not said NO yet. But I hope now that I have experienced quite a few weddings as a bridesmaid that I will be more aware the next time I am asked and really look a t both sides of the decision.
Hi Megan. I’ve been gone a while. I like this one because I think weddings have gotten out of control – being a bridesmaid should be an honor and not an overwhelming expense. When I got married in 1977 I paid for all of my bridesmaids dresses, etc. I think when you plan a wedding the bride and groom should plan to pay some or all of the bridal party’s expenses. Might keep the extavagance of weddings down and make them what they are meant to be – bringing loved ones together to share in the beginnig of a new life.
I am so happy you are back. Hope all is well. I agree that if I ever get married I will take on a lot (most) of the bridesmaid expenses. If it is my choice to have bridesmaid then I am willing to make the financial sacrifice. I would pay for their dresses and any other “items” that I wish for them to have or partake in. You are right though. Weddings have turned into shows rather then two people confirming their love and devotion. I have always like the idea of a destination wedding, you know the only people who will come are the ones that really care about you.
Meg the photos are awesome. Seems you had some great times. The blog looks amazing.
Happy Blogging.
Thanks Courtney! Thank you for stopping by.
What an awesome post Meg! This is so good! It’s tough bc weddings are so important to people, but at some point one can benefit from saying no. Thanks for making a post with actual content on the matter. Hopefully this will help encourage some folks to just say no! (like me!)
I am also amazed that I was in the presence of so many beautiful ladies!
Yes, you are right. We are all so scared to say no when really it’s not that big of a deal. People will understand. If you know you can’t make the commitment tell them ahead of time. They will appreciate it much more then if you have to bail in the middle or last minute. Thanks for being my date to the wedding! I hope you had a good time, even though you are not a fan of weddings.
I’d happily be your date to any wedding
I think it is great to ask ahead of time. I love when I travel with friends and they want to know what the expected costs will be ahead of time. It helps everyone be more in charge of their finances.
Wendy Irene » Exactly!! If you prepare everyone in the beginning then there is no shock factor later down the road. My girlfriend whose wedding I was recenlty in was very upfront about everything and was the farthest from a bridezilla you could get. I was very appreciative for that. If you are the bride then pre-plan so you can give a good heads up! Thanks for your comments.
THIS is one of the reasons I decided not to have a bridal party for my own wedding!!
(Granted, my sister is still maid of honor, but she’s crafty and talented.)
Laura M. » Sounds like a great plan to me! Why stress everyone out! That’s a great idea. I may have to follow in your footsteps if my always a bridesmaid…. never a bride ever changes!
Also, you should consider submitting this post (at least the 7 points you outlined) to wedding blogs.
Yes, I should. Believe it or not….even though there is no ring on my finger I do subscribe to wedding blogs. I plan to do my wedding (if and when that day comes) in under $5,000. So I love looking at all the wedding ideas…. tip and tricks of course. How is your wedding planning going? When is the big date? Will you be posting pictures I hope?